What is identity? The dictionary definition is “the fact of being who or what a
person or thing is” but how does this affect who we
are, what we believe and how we think, feel and act?
Everyone has beliefs about most things and people and
some of these are called core beliefs, which are the very essence of how we see
ourselves, other people, the world and the future. Core beliefs are very
powerful and act as a filter to all our perceptions and, as a result, directly
control the uniformity of our life’s decisions. Our identity is determined by
this core belief and defines our individuality and is what makes us different,
including those elements that good, bad or indifferent, and separates us from
all others.
In addition, our identity is what generates our
boundaries and limits within which we live our lives. Each and every one of us
has capabilities but just how much of these capabilities we use is dependent
upon the identity we have set for ourselves. As a coach, I see many clients who
say to me “I am depressed” or “I am not confident” or “I am a failure”. What
they are actually doing is defining themselves and, therefore, limiting their
possibilities to be anything other than the label they have given themselves. Many
times I am told “I am who I am” and become defensive when I challenge their
view or beliefs of who they are. Because they are focusing on an unhelpful or
un-resourceful identity they will get more of what they are already getting.
What is also true is that if you see yourself, for example, as depressed so too
will other people see you this way and this reinforces the identity of the
individual.
Whether or not our view of ourselves is accurate, we
will act consistently within the boundaries and limits we have set ourselves
within our identity. Humans crave consistency and this causes us to act out
this identity regardless of what the personal cost may be. This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,
we get what we focus on. In the case of the depressed client, the focus is on
being depressed and hey presto this is what he gets, more depression. A better way of defining himself would be say
that “I’m a normal person who is going through some mental health challenges at
the moment”.
So, if humans crave consistency, the same strategy
works equally well IF you can change your beliefs about your identity and the
strategies that you use to break the current boundaries and limits and reach
your true capabilities. However, changing our beliefs about our identity is not
easy, in some cases the old identity has become their comfort zone, a place of
safety, albeit with negative consequences, and changing will take away this
sense of consistency and take them to, initially, a place of confusion and
pain. After all, if we question our identity we have to question all the
beliefs we currently hold true, beliefs that we may have held for a long time
and even built our lives upon and around.
So, if the current identity is unhelpful what is the
new identity and how do we get there? As I mentioned above, changing the words
we use to describe who we are is the first, and most important step to make. “I
am a person who is currently facing some mental health challenges” is far more
resourceful than “I am depressed”. There is an intrinsic link between who we
see ourselves as and our thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Who we see ourselves
as is controlled by our beliefs and creating a belief that you are a person with
mental health challenges will create new beliefs about who you are and then our
behaviours will change to support this new belief. This identity change will
allow us to generate long-term psychological and physiological changes that are
consistent with the new identity.
Reformulating, altering or expanding your personal
identity can deliver astounding, quick and lasting improvements in the quality
of your life.
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