No. 2 - Anxiety - How to Spot Errors in Your Thinking.

No. 2 - How to Spot Errors in Your Thinking.

Generally, most people don’t tend to think about how they are thinking and about how this affects us, and yet we should do.

As a coach, I work with people by analyzing how they think, what their attitudes are and the beliefs the client has and how these three things affect how they see the world and how this makes them feel. For example, if you are feeling very down there is a very good chance that, in fact, this is caused by your negative or unhelpful thoughts. That’s not to say that you intentionally think negatively, it’s just that you are probably unaware that this is the way you are thinking.

Everyone has negative thoughts occasionally but these thinking errors distort your judgments when assessing situations or events. Thinking errors can cause you to create the wrong impressions, jump to incorrect conclusions and sometimes, to expect the worst. But, everyone has the ability to just stand back and reflect on the situation and how you are currently thinking and to reassess your reaction.

Can you remember a time in the past that you thought was embarrassing or traumatic? When you recall this now you will probably find that you feel and think much differently about it, you might even raise a smile thinking about it now. So what has changed, why didn’t you smile back then? Because you were thinking differently at the time.

Here are some of the more common thinking errors:

• All-or-nothing thinking. This can also be classified as black-or-white thinking and can result in acute emotions and behaviours, such as people either love you or hate you, it either has to be a roaring success or it’s a calamity. What all-or-nothing thinking errors do you have? Think about those times when you can remember having these thoughts, at work, at home, doing jobs around the home, in sport, etc,.

            One way to overcome these all-or-nothing thinking errors is to be realistic. When

            you catch yourself thinking this way, stop and reflect. In the situation you find    

            yourself in, how realistic, appropriate and helpful is it to think this way, where

            will it get you?

            Another way of looking at the situation other than black-or-white thinking is

            ‘both-and reasoning skills’. This is where you CAN allow two opposites in your

             thinking to exist at the same time. For example, you can be both a top tennis

             player and drop a few sets here and there. Your life is not a case of being either a

             success or a failure, it is possible to be both a developing person and make every

             effort to make positive changes in your life.

             The achievement of goals or targets are easily sabotaged by all-or-nothing

             thinking as you will be more likely to give up when you reach that first obstacle

             or when you miss a deadline or were not realistic about what you could achieve.

             Because life is uncertain there will be times when things don’t go as expected,

             but if you can avoid ‘either/or’ statements and labels such as ‘good’, ‘bad’, or

             ‘win’ and ‘lose’, you will avoid thinking errors and be more realistic.

• Catastrophising. This is when we convert a relatively insignificant negative event into a catastrophe or series of catastrophes. I am sure you can recall events from the past when you imagined the worst outcomes possible that made you feel anxious, worried or even panic-striven. When you look at your thinking now, was the perception worse than the reality? Probably not.

For example, your partner is late home from work for no apparent reason, but you start worrying that they have had a car accident, that they are hurt and have ended up in hospital seriously ill.

In order to stop catastrophic thinking, you will need to realize that these are just thoughts and not the reality. If you do find yourself thinking the worst, try these strategies:

-       Put your thoughts into perspective. Just because you mispronounced a word during a presentation to 100 people doesn’t mean that you were a failure and that everyone noticed and had a giggle at your expense. In fact, most people will not have noticed your minor faux-pas as they would have been concentrating on the content of your presentation. In reality, how bad is it really to make one small mistake?

-       Rationalise your thoughts. If your partner is late home from work, consider that it might be bad traffic, she popped in to see a friend or stayed late in the office to catch up instead of thinking she’s had a car accident.

-       Do you have enough information? When you partner is late home from work, analyse the evidence you have before you. What is making you think she had had an accident, has she been late before, what were the reasons then? Look for evidence that challenges your catastrophic assumption of why they are late.

-       Focus on solutions. Just because you mispronounced one word in your presentation, does not mean that you will not be invited back to speak again. Practice your presentation before you do it again, perhaps to a close friend to ensure that next time you get it right.

         Generally speaking, the end of the world will not happen just because you

         you make a mountain out of a molehill. We humans are very resilient and have the

         ability to bounce back from minor disasters, just think back to your own past and

         consider the fact that you are still here.

·      Predictive Thinking. Many clients tell me that the reality of something they thought would happen is very nearly always not as bad as they predicted. The problem here is in the prediction or perception what they believe will happen in a situation or an event. Most people cannot see into the future and yet this is what we try to do and usually our predictions are negative rather than positive. Think about your own past again and try to remember when you have predicted something and it has turned out better than expected.

Just imagine how much better it would be if you let nature take its course and you didn’t worry about predictions.

• Guessing What Others Are Thinking. So you think you can read other people’s minds, do you? In reality, you can never know what another person is thinking unless you analyse all the evidence you have. For example:

-       Think about what other alternatives there may be in this situation;

-       Acknowledge that you may be guessing wrong;

-       If possible, get more evidence to help you make a better decision about what the other person is thinking.

·      Overgeneralising. Overgeneralising is where we make a sweeping statement or thoughts about one or more situations. Typical thinking errors could include ‘always’, ‘they are’, ‘everyone’, ‘the world’s’, and ‘all’ words or sentences. Situations are infrequently so bad that these words or sentences actually apply and you might want to contemplate the following:

-       Be definite about the situation and ask yourself whether you are overgeneralising or not;

-       Postpone judgement until you have more evidence;

-       Put things into perspective. Ask yourself if your generalization is actually true or are you exaggerating.

·      Feelings Aren’t Necessarily Facts. Just because you have a feeling about something, this does not mean it is true. Again, evidence is required to substantiate what you are thinking. When you begin to feel that your feelings are taking over from the evidence, step back and try the following:

-       Consider how you might see the situation if you were feeling more relaxed. Find the evidence to support or deny your feelings are correct. How might you interpret your thoughts differently?

-       Be aware of your thoughts and the mental state you are in. When you are feeling anxious or worried you will not be thinking the same as if you are calm and relaxed.

-       Give yourself time to let your feelings diminish. When you change your state from anxious or worried to calm and relaxed you will be thinking clearer and with greater perspective. Many times your thinking is as a result of your current emotional state.

·      Making Commands for Oneself. I hear many clients of mine using words, such as ‘I must’, I should’, ‘I need’, ‘I’ve got to’ and ‘I have to’ and these are very unhelpful as they can impose feelings of pressure, guilt and failure. These commands are, in most cases, unrealistic and inflexible and take no account of other circumstances. On the other hand, by using more flexible statements the likelihood of pressure, guilt and failure diminish significantly. Here are some examples for you to use instead:

-       Use words such as ‘I would like’, ‘I prefer’, ‘I wish’, and ‘I want’;

-       Keep your standards, ideals and preferences but get rid of those commands that dictate how you, other people and the world should be.

-       Understand other people preferences. If you judge people by your inflexible and rigid standards, you will be disappointed. By softening your thoughts and beliefs you will feel less frustrated by others who do not match your standards.

·      Accept Compliments. We are very good at deflecting positive comments directed at us by others and this actually has the effect of turning a positive into a neutral or negative event in our mind. For example, a lady when being complimented on how lovely their dress is might reply that it’s only a cheap thing that she threw on in a hurry. We need to develop our skills for accepting compliments for what they are, positive comments. You might try the following:

-       Practice receiving and giving positive compliments about yourselves and others.

-       Accept compliments with a simple but well intentioned ‘thank you’, as you would do if you had been given a gift.

·      Be Open to Other Possibilities – Mental Filtering. This is where we process only that information which we believe to be true. That information that we don’t believe in tends to be filtered out and discounted. For example, a tennis player may only remember the last bad shot they played rather than all the good ones and, as a result, may consider themselves to be a bad player. To overcome the negative effects of mental filtering, evaluate the situation you feel bad about and search for wider evidence of your performance that overrides your negative thoughts. For example, try the following:

-       Investigate your filters to ensure you are not filtering out all the good, positive thoughts at the expense of just negative thoughts.

-       Get proof to convince you that your negative thoughts are not necessarily true and get proof to convince that your positive thoughts are true.

·      Realise Your Potential.  Many of my clients, when describing something that appears to be difficult, use the phrase ‘intolerable’. This has the effect of enlarging the level of difficulty and creates the thoughts and beliefs that they are impossible. These diificult or intolerable situations are usually short-term and that, in fact, there is much to be gained by sticking with it and achieving success in the long term. My favoured method for overcoming this error in thinking is to engender an attitude of ‘can do’, which can be done by trying the following:

-       Tell yourself that you can withstand difficulties and anxious thoughts, that they are only short-lived and you will feel better about in the end.

-       End procrastination about starting something difficult. Sometimes the hardest thing is to get started but once you have the difficulties seem to diminish by themselves. You will feel better and think more positively about yourself when you complete the task.

Next Chapter: Dealing With Negative Thinking

This special report was written by Steve Scott, accredited life, business and executive coach, of Stepping Stones Coaching and Chatting-Scott Partnership LLP. You may reproduce this report as long as it is in full and includes this resource box. ©